||[Aug. 27th, 2006|10:56 am]
Alia + Tahrik
Alia, once again you don't understand. |
Let me explain this as clear as I can.
I love you deeply more than anything.
And I didn't break this up because of a fucking label.
let me tell you what I did, KITTEN.
I felt, that after this month, I felt the fucking pain that I couldn't manage to move away. A pain that I saw as I been kept your secret your so called lover. I wanted best to try to love you and I still want to love you. But girl, I don't want to be hidden in the dark, and I know you wouldn't either.
I told you more than I can tell you in a million years. And alot of what I said was just to make you angry, more or less out of my own spite than anything I said in that letter.
I'm not a liar, because I told you I keep my promises, I'm going to continue on, and I want to be with you again. And I don't want to end this on bad terms. But if you think I'm a liar, then I can't really prove that to you in no way shape or form.
But then again, when have I not been trusted enough for what I said?
What I'm doing is pretty much ignoring you because I can't take the pain. And when I say "inch" I mean, longer than I thought I could take. and if you love me so much, then you definitely are hateful in your goodbye letter.
A replacement isn't someone I'm going to find and love forever. A replacement is just that, just as you did with Richard. It won't ever be the same, it won't ever feel the way I'd want it to be. But how can keep me in the dark from everyone, from richard? Can you say you'd appreciate it that? How long would you decide to last? I'm not lying when I say I love you forever. I still do, I still want you more than anyone. I told you, I meant what I said in my letters, don't fucking tell me that I don't. I know it's true.
But as of lately, you don't seem to give a good god damn about my feelings. Not that I hurt immensely because of this, and perhaps I've good reason to feel so distraught. I thought I could handle it, but apparently I cannot. Shit, you've done worse or similar things to me, and I've handled them.
You hate me, or so you seem like you hate me. And I don't want you to hate me. But i guess I fucked it up, and I guess no apology will ever mend what was between us. Especially because you said "was" as in, everything's gone. But you know, how we both used to sit late at night and talk to one another, and you know how we used to talk about insecurities? You know, how we told us that we had instilled insecurities that the world will try its damndest to change? You know how I told you I was really insecure about things, that I can't seem to stave it off? Well, that's my problem. That's your problem, that's what we both have. That's what is basically fucking everything up.
And In retrospect, though I do say there's a few things I might've regret doing, but I feel I had good reason, just like you did when you did what you did. And you know, if you want to hate me forever, go ahead...I'll still love you. Alia Nicole Looney. I'll fucking love you till every milimeter of energy in my body is gone and given to other beings of life.
And I love your letter and how you became something so much more mean and intimidating. Mayhap, I don't understand anything, and I guess our promises will be broken. Maybe I've broken them all. Because in the end, do you still love me? I love you, I know you said you love me, but how can I feel when you sound like you want to kill me.
I apologize in the end, for not being so perfect, I'm just a scared, insecure kid. And in the end, I'm just that,a kid. And you don't want me anymore, and I wanted to keep things alive, just put things on the down low, but that won't happen. And now I've nothing left. I gave you all my love, and you sitll have my heart, and now it seems you've tossed it in a blender.
Oh well....nothing good lasts...
But hey, remember when we said something terrible would happen between us, well you said it would. I suppose this is the extent of that...
But I don't know if we will find a way to be with one another, I guess not now. I'll always be willing, and I'd break up with anyone to know you'd want to.
But as I've said, it's doubtful now.
I'm never good with goodbyes, because if I were, I wouldn't responding to this...but oh well.